the poet

you want to know  how can anyone  large shadow  a, b, c  time of day  spring  look out my window  I see you staring  cruel place  somewhere  endings  not me  sun shines  stare at the mirror  hurt, pain  To A Soulmate  tiger's eyes  rain splatters  treat me like shit?  fire inside!  No One  journeys  love and lust  My Friend  falling  bitch, whore  no comfort  yes, yes  the music begins  somewhere i know  no longer  understanding  smurf  in...out...  Label.  addiction  lie in the darkness  frustrations  Fire  cold, alone  SheWhoKnows  you fell in love  human  wolf sees all  what to think  i feel lost  angel  twelve 

So you think you want to know what goes on in my head?
I am prepared to tell you;
but are you prepared to listen?
Do you think you can handle the chaotic, whirling, twirling, streams of conciousness
racing through my mind?
We shall see.

Our eyes locking, I show you my soul.
Drawing you deeper and deeper until you reach the innermost sanctuary of my mind.
It is here that you may see me.
Bared, naked, unmasked.
This is your last chance to pull away.
Perhaps it is too late after all.

But you are here now.
You can see the raging torrents of emotion
that consume every fiber of my being.
You ask me whence all of my pain came from?
I tell you I am pain.
I am pain, anger, sorrow, hate.
All wrapped into one.
Just wait; you'll see.
Everything associated with me
turns to pain, anger, sorrow, hate.

But what of hope, you say.
I tell you that there is hope in me.
The hope that the world will not be what I have seen.
The hope that the pain that torments my soul
will never again surface,
will never again rear it's head
in the quiet stillness of eternity.

And what of myself?
I will tell you this;
I am alone in a room full of people
I dwell in a bubble of solitude.
I am as a single leaf,
floating on a vast ocean.
All alone.

Waves of emptiness wash over me.
Drenching me with despair.
Loneliness and hollowness surround me,
leaving my life unfulfilled.
An overwhelming sorrow overtakes me,
having no source...
and no limits to it's depths.
I am surrounded by, and filled with
a sense of loss and pain.
And I never know why.

At times like these all I can do is pull inside myself,
hoping it will go away.
Sometimes it does;
but most of the time it stays.
Lying in wait for me,
stalking me.

I am completely and utterly alone.
Bewildered, confused, and disoriented.

Just as I pull away from myself,
I pull away from others.
Trying to maintain relationships depletes what remains of my spirit.
So I block myself off from the world,
trying to keep hold on what sanity I have left.

But with all of the barricades,
I lose track of my mind.
My thoughts are brief wisps of fantasy,
streaking through my prison.
Briefly illuminating the rest of the world.

When I sleep, if I sleep, I do not sleep well.
My dreams are wrought with confusion.
Or voided completely.

When I look in the mirror,
I see a loathesome monster staring back at me.
A truly horrid apparition,
powered by a seething rage that no mortal should ever encounter.

And so this too I bury inside myself.
I become self-destructive,
trying to fill the emptiness in my heart.
All in all, you can see how life is horribly frightening for me.

Now that you have seen how ugly and alone I truly am,
you will pull away from me.
Just like so many before you.
Friends, family, lovers.
And you can understand why I am terrified of being alone,
and why that's all I'm destined to be.